Lessons in Forgiveness 9-17-23
Lessons in Forgiveness
Gen 50:15-21; Mt 18:21-35
Gen 50:15-21
Realizing that their father was dead, Joseph’s brothers said, “What if Joseph still bears a grudge against us and pays us back in full for all the wrong that we did to him?” So they approached Joseph, saying, “Your father gave this instruction before he died, ‘Say to Joseph: I beg you, forgive the crime of your brothers and the wrong they did in harming you.’ Now therefore please forgive the crime of the servants of the God of your father.” Joseph wept when they spoke to him. Then his brothers also wept, fell down before him, and said, “We are here as your slaves.” But Joseph said to them, “Do not be afraid! Am I in the place of God? Even though you intended to do harm to me, God intended it for good, in order to preserve a numerous people, as he is doing today. So have no fear; I myself will provide for you and your little ones.” In this way he reassured them, speaking kindly to them.
Mt 18:21-35
Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. “For this reason the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. When he began the reckoning, one who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him; and, as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, together with his wife and children and all his possessions, and payment to be made. So the slave fell on his knees before him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the lord of that slave released him and forgave him the debt. But that same slave, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow slaves who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat, he said, ‘Pay what you owe.’ Then his fellow slave fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ But he refused; then he went and threw him into prison until he would pay the debt. When his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked slave! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. Should you not have had mercy on your fellow slave, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his lord handed him over to be tortured until he would pay his entire debt. So my heavenly Father will also do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”
Prayer – Merciful God – we praise you that you don’t condemn or censure us; rather you offer words of mercy and loving embrace when we least deserve it. Time and again when we have erred and strayed like lost sheep and each time you have responded by seeking, finding and welcoming us home. Help us not to forget that you not only are forgiving but that we are to forgive just as you have. So, we pray, help us to love and forgive as you do, not to calculate the price, but forgive, even 70 times 7 – amen.
So, how many is it? How many times are we REALLY supposed to forgive someone who has wronged us? Is it 77 times? OR is it 70 times 7 which comes to 490 pronouncements of forgiveness? Christians everywhere are dying to know, Jesus. What are we supposed to do?
This is the question that pervades many Christian hearts. The other question is what if we don’t want to forgive someone, who in our hearts and minds doesn’t deserve any forgiveness whatsoever. So, I, we are left with the question – how much are we to forgive. It’s almost kind of a militarism that approaches faith not as a relationship with Jesus, but as a task that has a checklist of do’s and don’ts, and so long as we stick with the do’s we are fine. All too often church folks look at the pastor or priest with inquisitive eyes, asking all the while, “Just tell us what to do;” as if a professional Christian, like me, can stand in for Jesus. That approach isn’t about grace, or love, or about relationship – it’s about just getting by and doing what we think we’re supposed to do. Those who like to follow the rules hear Jesus’ words and figure they’ve got it figured out, 77 time or 490, doesn’t matter, that is what they will do. Just as long as they get it right.
Peter thinks he is being generous – like, super generous – when he wonders if he should forgive up to 7 times as the rabbinical custom, after all, was to forgive up to three times before punishing the individual when he or she sinned a fourth time. Peter not only doubles this expected number, but adds one to it, perhaps knowing that seven is considered the ‘perfect number’ and is the number associated with God. Peter was clearly willing to go the extra mile for Jesus.
Yet in response to this seemingly logical question, Jesus throws which is beyond quantifiable in ancient times. It could mean, 77, or it could mean 490. Poor Peter just wants to know what he’s supposed to do, like so many of us. That, Jesus points out, is not the question you should be asking. To Peter and other folks who love to follow the rules and think that faith is about doing what we are supposed to do, Jesus is offering a totally different reality. Anyone who is counting the number of times he or she says, ‘I forgive you,’ isn’t actually forgiving anyone at all, but is just biding their time until Jesus offers brownie points.
Every Sunday, millions of Christians all around the world pray for God to forgive us as we are to forgive others. And as for myself, if I’m honest, there are times I wonder to what extent I, we, really take that seriously. It seems like an uncanny coincidence that our gospel passage for this week speaks of radical forgiveness just days after we remember Sept 11. Twenty-two years ago, most of our nation preferred an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But no, we get the parable of the forgiven and unforgiving servant. Even after all of these years, the wound of 9-11 is still raw, and perhaps the real feeling as we face our gospel passage today should be, “Lord, if someone or some group, causes destruction and death to my loved ones, my fellow citizens, in my backyard, who do I need to forgive once?”
The last 20 plus years we have been consumed by the ‘war on terror.’ Apparently, in some measures we have been relatively successful at thwarting terrorists; and yet, as what cost? Besides the thousands who have died in that particular endless war, there is also the cost in what are essentially intangible measures. We’ve had to adjust to a whole different way of life that is marked by greater hostility toward those who are different than us, greater anxiety about our safety, and greater fear about our future. But perhaps the most pervasive cost to us is that in our effort to make ourselves feel safe we have sold our souls to the gods of war and violence. In the process, we have essentially imprisoned ourselves in a house whose boundaries are inscribed by our fear and anger and unwillingness to forgive.
There’s a story in the 2005 Sydney Pollack film, The Interpreter that may illustrate our predicament – do we avenge our enemies, or do we find a way to practice forgiveness we say we believe in, and in so doing set ourselves free from that awful day. The film is about an ‘interpreter at the UN named Sylvia. She tells the story of a ritual of forgiveness in Africa that’s based on the principle that ‘the only way to end grief is to save a life.’ The ritual takes place when someone is murdered. After a year of mourning, the family of the victim undergoes the ‘drowning man trial,’ where the killer is tied up and thrown into a river to drown. The family choose – if they let the killer drown, they will have justice but will spend the rest of their lives mourning. If they save the killer from drowning, if they accept that they share a common humanity and that life isn’t always just, then their act of saving a life can heal their grief. Whether there is ever such a thing as a ‘drowning man trial’, I think it serves at least like a parable for us – do we forgive as we have been forgiven, and in doing so find healing for ourselves, or do we see vengeance and punishment, and so find ourselves trapped in grief and bitterness?
There is a real life story of forgiveness that comes out of South Africa and the injustice of Apartheid. One person who embodied this was Archbishop Desmond Tutu. He was raised in one of the townships – or really a shanty town – where black South Africans were kept. He lived in the midst and middle of Apartheid – he and his family experienced it firsthand. Several of his friends were imprisoned and even killed in the violence that defined Apartheid. When that whole system of oppression ended, the South African people faced a crossroads – would they live out the script of every oppressed people who became oppressors, or could they find a different path that would lead to healing for both the oppressed and oppressor.
The leaders of the new South Africa formed the ‘Truth and Reconciliation Commission’ to try to seek that different path. Instead of handing out punishment to the previous oppressors; the whole purpose of the commission was to give victims the chance to tell their stories, to have their suffering acknowledged, and to confront their oppressors in person. And to give the oppressors a chance to tell the truth about their crimes and seek forgiveness and clemency. They had no idea what would happen, but as it turns out, oppressed and oppressor came together and experienced genuine reconciliation based on acknowledgement and forgiveness.
One of the foundational principles of this experience is what Tutu called ‘Ubuntu.’ It is a Xhosa word that stands for the idea that we all share a common humanity. It says that the only way the human family can thrive is together. That means that when we look at another human being, even someone who wounded us deeply, we cannot see an enemy, but rather a fellow human being, a brother or sister, a beloved child of God. It seems to me that, in order for us to really pray the prayer – ‘forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors’ – and mean it, we have to practice ‘Ubuntu’ – we have to acknowledge we share a common humanity even with those who wrong us. When we can look at those who inflict pain on us and see children of God, then perhaps we can begin to forgive as we have been forgiven. Then we can begin to set them and ourselves free from the vicious cycle of bitterness, hatred, violence, and move into the freedom of forgiving as we have been forgiven.
Now that is a powerful lesson in forgiveness. And if I’m honest with myself and with you, it is a hard lesson. It was about 5 years ago when I got a call from my oldest daughter telling me she had split from her significant other who was also the father of my two grandchildren. Why? Because he had moved from emotional abuse to physical abuse. It took everything in my being not to track him down and put him down, permanently. For the next several months, rather than moving to FW as I intended with Valerie, I stayed close to my daughter, spending several nights a week with her and the grandkids, ensuring she and they were safe. I have helped him many times during their relationship – paid for school, paid for truck payments, bought clothes/shoes, etc. because my daughter was trying to keep the house together. Honestly, I haven’t forgiven him for the emotional damage he did to my daughter and her kids. My daughter has forgiven him, has moved on, has transformed her life while I still want to put him in the ground. I can imagine that is not the kind of confession you wanted to hear, but it is an honest confession about really how hard forgiveness can be.
And at the same time, there was a time when I failed and made mistakes in my life and in being a part of my kid’s lives. Erin and Ben have forgiven me for my failures, times when I was busy with work, pursuing my life and not always being the kind of father I meant to be. We had stuff to work through, they shared with me their hurts from my absence in and from ministry, and I was able to hear their pain and acknowledge both to them, and myself, those hurts and scars that I left on their souls. Forgiveness was a gift from them to me, and now our relationships are strong and healthy and not absent and missing.
I am a work in progress when it comes to forgiveness and I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you are as well. Forgiveness is a foundational construct in and with the kingdom of heaven. Forgiveness is never not present in our lives and in our relationships. The act of forgiveness is already a limitless, measureless act and I am grateful that it is God’s work and not mine, because we would be in serious trouble.
Our passage this morning set in motion – deeply, tragically, painfully – memories of those people I have been reluctant to forgive. It sets in motion thoughts of those who may be waiting for my forgiveness. It sets in motion reminders of those who I am unsure if I can ever forgive. What is holding me back I wonder? Today I, we, have received a lesson in forgiveness and I’m reminded of what C.S. Lewis said, “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.’ I suppose if nothing else about our sermon today, I can’t go wrong with a C.S. Lewis quote. May our forgiveness be grounded in the love and forgiveness God has so graciously given to us – thanks be to God – amen.